For Better or for Worse

I have this fear. It isn't pervasive. It comes and goes. But for now, it's here.

Most days, I rest in the Lord. I recognize that He is not only sovereign but also loving and good, full of mercy. He is my powerful promisekeeper who has promised to never leave or forsake me. I know He is preparing a place for me and that one day I will join Him. I know that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I know that suffering is temporary and useful for building my character.

In recent days, I've found myself surrounded in my fear. When I was probably 9 years old, I remember doing the dead man's float in my swimming lessons. Boy did I hate the dead man's float. The instructor reminded me that it was the surest way to survive if ever in a tough situation; the dead man's float took the least energy. But I hated having my face down in the water, my legs and my body limp as I counted the seconds and focused on my breathing. I felt then and there that the waters would take me. I was always relieved when the whistle would blow and I could flip to float on my back and look at the clouds. 

Lately, I've felt like I'm in the middle of a body of water, forced to do the dead man's float. I'm suriving. I'm focusing on my breathing. But all I see is water. All I feel is cold.

The rational part of my being tells me that Rodney will probably never have "chronic" Lyme disease. We're fairly sure that they caught the disease early. Science tells us that antibiotics should take care of the symptoms and the bacteria that wreaked havoc in his body for weeks. But some days, when he is tired and in pain, today being one of them, I wonder if this is something we'll have to deal with for years to come.

Chronic Lyme Disease is difficult. It manifests itself in MS, ALS, alzheimers, paralysis, blindness, and chronic pain. I'll stop there. It's bad.

I guess today and tomorrow I have a choice to make. I choose to rest in the Lord. I choose to look to Him. I choose to let him flip me over in these waters and look at the sky, knowing that one day I'll get to look into His face.

I am learning to look into the face of Jesus now by looking into His Word. It is the only thing that will carry me. And I know that as I live life by my husband's side, we fill face very difficult things. I pray that in them I may look to Jesus and bring Him great glory.

For Better or For Worse - they are words that I spoke almost six years ago to my sweet husband, the man I love and cherish. The man who loves and cherishes me. The marriage covenant reminding me of the a new covenant, one written on my heart.

I don't think this is a good ending for my thoughts today, but I have laundry that needs folding! And so, with that I'll leave you, thankful that I know many of your are praying for me and thankful that "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1.6). "For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen" (Romans 11.36).