Friday, August 19, 2011

my present reality

I am usually a realist - not an optimist or a pessimist. Lately, though, I've been veering away from the middle and either dwelling in the land of pessimism or optimism. You, my blog readers, usually get to see Mrs. Optimist. I tend to blog on "good days" - days when my daughters take naps, when the crying is minimal, and my husband is home. I hardly ever blog on "bad days" - days when my husband is gone, my daughters skip their naps, and one spends a large part of her time in time-out. These "bad days" are often filled with tears, frantic calls to my husband or mom, and the simple prayers of life "please sleep," "please stop crying," and "please obey."

I'll be honest. The reality is:

  • Abigail is not a compliant child by nature. She willfully disobeys, especially when Hannah has a bad day and she's attention deprived. It is very difficult to discipline when Hannah is fussy all day long. I'm pretty sure I fail as a parent almost every hour.

  • Abigail is still having naptime accidents - everyday and sometimes on purpose. The whole potty process is still a struggle. She doesn't like to wipe and put her clothes back on afterwards. Usually, she either ends up crying, in time out, or both. Sigh.

  • Hannah has been VERY gassy and irritable. She wakes several times a night and has only gone 5+ hours between feedings a couple of times.

  • She does not sleep well during the day. I try the swing, sling, arms, rocking chair, pack n play, swaddle, no swaddle, name it.

  • The no dairy/coffee/caffeine isn't really working as well as I'd like. I really have no idea what's up. The nurse doesn't seem to think it's my milk, but it's got to be something, right?

  • So I'm left feeling like I should just stop eating all together and cut out corn, beans, broccoli, soy, dairy, sugar, spice,...the list goes on and on...

  •'s still a billion degrees down here in Texas. We're about to hit a summer record for most days over 100 degrees. I am anxiously awaiting cooler weather, so I can take my girls outside.

not to mention...

  • My husband travels close to 50% of the time - sometimes more and rarely less.

  • When he is home, he is stressed and consumed by work. He often has long evenings or dinner meetings when he's "home"

That's my reality. How do I respond to my reality? Good question. Sometimes I'm bitter and frustrated. Other times I am depressed and discouraged. I really do work hard to be thankful - thankful for a husband who loves me, two precious and beautiful girls, not to mention the God who rescued me from the grave and extends grace to me every day in spite of myself.

Someday I'll come out of this fog, and I pray I'm more like the Lord when that happens. Until then, I'm deep in the "mommy trenches of life".


Megan said...

Oh my gosh, friend. I love you so much. I'm so grateful for your honesty and openness. This is why I haven't really blogged much this year -- too depressed and discouraged and want to "appear" happy on my blog.
I'm so sorry that life is rough right now. I wish I could do something. But, I love you. I'm praying for you. You are deeply loved.

Teresa said...

Thanks for your transparency, Katie! Praying that you feel God's peace in the midst of it all.

Courtney V said...

Katie, I hope things start turning around for you. Hannah is nearing that 2 month mark when things really seem to improve for lots of babies. Have you tried wearing her in a Moby Wrap or another wrap carrier? That one of the only ways Levi would nap when he was tiny and it may help make you more available for Abigail. I am sure I will gave many days like yours when our second comes along in January!

M & M said...

I have been there! Can't wait to see you this next week and hopefully share some sweet times.

Jamie said...

Thanks for the honesty, Kate. I'm praying for you. My new favorite hymn is "I Need You Every Hour" which is written by a SAHM. Truth, right there.

Erika said...

I don't have kids Katie, but at times, I feel the depressed, lonely, frustrated at life.
But thankful for your honesty. I wish I was around, so I could help once in awhile. I'm almost always free and my wknds have no purpose other than sleep and twiddle my thumbs. Miss having you in Illinois.